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Breaking Free: Realizing When Family Isn’t What It Seems

Writer's picture: SerinaJSerinaJ

Updated: Sep 18, 2024

Have you ever dealt with a family member who lacked self-awareness and constantly crossed the line with inappropriate comments or behaviors? Unfortunately, I’ve been there, and I know firsthand how painful it can be.

 

As kids, we’re often told that family is everything, and I believed that wholeheartedly. I thought my cousins and I would be close forever, that we’d always have each other’s backs. But as I got older, the illusion faded. My mom’s side of the family constantly misrepresented her, gossiped about her behind her back, and by extension, made me and my siblings the target of their negativity.

 

My mom endured a lot—an abusive first marriage and countless other challenges—and yet, her family never stepped in to support her. They were quick to preach "family first" but conveniently left her and us out of that equation. I didn’t understand it back then, but now, I see how toxic and cruel their behavior was. Every family visit left her feeling drained and belittled. It was a room full of people who triggered her insecurities rather than lift her up.

 

As I grew up, I started to see that my relationships with these relatives were never as strong as I thought. Some would make backhanded comments, others would dismiss my accomplishments, and it became clear they wanted to tear me down instead of celebrating my successes. If I lost weight, they'd make inappropriate remarks to make themselves feel better. I even had a cousin who would record family gatherings, looking for material to humiliate others later. It became clear that they weren’t interested in supporting me; they were only interested in tearing me down to feel better about themselves.

 

While I didn’t have the luxuries growing up that my cousins did—like private school or vacations—I was proud of what I achieved through hard work. But they constantly tried to discredit everything I accomplished. When I bought my first home, they said, “It’s not her house, it’s her husband’s.” When I earned my graduate degree, they dismissed it as a waste of money. Even if I bought myself something nice, they couldn’t believe I earned it on my own. Their narrative was always that someone else gave me my successes, never acknowledging my hard work.

 

This constant negativity made me realize just how toxic these family relationships were. I had to ask myself, Is this what I deserve? The answer was no. I deserve to be treated with respect, not to be torn down by people who should love me. That’s when I made the decision to reevaluate who deserved my time and energy. It was hard, but I had to accept that 99% of them didn’t deserve to be part of my life anymore. And while that realization was painful, it was also empowering. I no longer wanted to be anyone’s punching bag or their source of validation. I wanted to reclaim my peace.

 

You don’t get to choose your family, but you do get to choose how you respond to toxic behavior. Walking away from toxic family members isn’t an act of betrayal—it’s an act of self-love. You are not obligated to maintain relationships with people who disrespect you or devalue your worth. Remember, just because someone is family doesn’t mean they deserve a seat at your table.

 

How have you navigating reevaluating your relationships with family?

 

See you on the next post!

 

Yours Truly,

Serina

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